Regardless, I didn’t like the feeling. Like my heart got strapped to a roller coaster, free falling for a few seconds and then got lost in a slow motion scene. Weird. So, I had a monitor strapped to me for 24 hours. The results came back pretty normal and while I am relieved, I keep wondering: What’s this all about?
There’s no denying that I’ve got some nervous energy coursing though me at the moment. Some of it comes from writing this blog…putting it all out there. This is not like the private journals I’ve carried around from backpack to bag, suitcase to nightstand. This is me embracing vulnerability, making friends with uncertainty, hanging out with fear for many people to witness.
It reminds me of other times I’ve felt sickly nervous. One that shoots to mind is the time I performed a tango dance in front of people. I was in Medellin, Colombia, and had been taking tango from my friend, Carlos, for 3 years. It was his idea to showcase his students’ progress in a small performance at a local restaurant. Good Lord! The thought of being in front of people, doing something I was not entirely comfortable doing made me lose my appetite every time. And the day of? Well, I thought I’d pass out. How my feet knew what to do was beyond me. I still can’t believe I did that.
You know that expression: Do one thing that scares you everyday. I’ve cut that out of a Lululemon ad and have it on my fridge. I have to admit; sometimes, I think: that’s dumb.
Why would I want to experience fear willingly? It’s not as good a feeling as, let’s say, joy or wonder or peace.
But, I guess the reason I admire it is that being pals with fear often reveals something big about myself. It exposes beliefs I have about myself; it stretches those comfort muscles to a point of doing something I didn’t think I could do; it brings things to clarity.
Like dancing the tango, blogging about my change out of teaching is not entirely comfortable. But, the experience is tingling, makes my heart bounce, and me feel alive.