what nowhere looks like

fog2i am ovulating as i type.

how do i know?
i know because the ovulation monitor scale is on the highest of three bars with an egg symbol that always has looked like a martini olive to me.
i know because there’s a pinch in my left ovary- a pain called mittelschmerz.
i know because my body is telling me in ways you may not want to read about here.

this feeling is familiar. i’ve been hyper aware of it for about five years now. before that, i didn’t notice that my temperature increased 0.4 to 1.0 degrees or that i got a couple of pimples at that time. it was of no concern. i went through 28 days running into another 28 days and then another without looking at the calendar.

i miss that sometimes.
let’s be honest: all the time.

craig and i have just had another emotional conversation about this. the topic is tired. WE are tired. there is more urgency, less patience, and zero joy regarding The Matter.

folks outside this dilemma have solutions…many solutions. the clarity for us, however, is hazed and like standing in thick fog on the brink of uncharted territory, our next steps are hesitant.

where does this leave us ?
nowhere at the moment.

nowhere looks like this:
cramped. stuffy. dim. tall walls dressed in baby announcements and fb updates and fertility chatrooms and unfilled adoption papers with a chendelier of question marks hanging above.

it sucks. we hate it.
and that’s just the God’s honest truth.

{image credit}

  1. marcy said:

    Sad to say your words are far too familiar and resonate with me. This wasn’t what was suppose to happen…why me? Why us? Lots of should haves and if onlys….it has all left me numb. There is no other way of dealing with the overwhelm and the disappointment that life isnt turning out like i planned. Mujer….abrazos y recuerda que no estas sola.

    Te quiero!

  2. Marcela, I know you know. Sending you much love at this time.

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